Pete and Shirley have been together for almost 16 years. We spoke to Pete about the closeness of their bond and why, despite the worsening of symptoms over the years, MS takes a firm second place to their relationship.
I first met Shirley in 2005. We were both happily divorced at the time and had said that we wouldn’t get married again. However, when we met online in February 2005, we hit it off straight away. It was one of those things where we just knew that it was going to work. Even when she said to me, "Do you know what you're taking on, because I’ve got MS", I wasn’t fazed. Although to be honest, at the time I didn't have the first idea about MS, but the relationship was so strong that it was not going to make any difference to me.
I found out early on that the illness was likely to progress.
I knew that as time went on it would become harder. Not just for Shirley, but for me as well, because it meant I would probably have to do more for her. When we first moved to Bristol in 2007 we’d go to the local shops and the supermarket. With the aid of a shopping trolley to hold onto, Shirley would manage a good 10-15 minutes going around the store. But not anymore, instead we’re using the wheelchair permanently outside our home. She's fine at home where it's familiar and we make sure the pathways are clear, but if I were to do something stupid like leave a coffee table in the way, she would fall over it. Due to her MS, she would see it and know it was there, but by the time the message reached her brain she'd have tripped over it.
Eventually the time came when we had to move again, because where we lived was inaccessible. We couldn't get a wheelchair through the front door. So with the help of South Gloucestershire Council we moved into an ‘Extra Care’ flat, which is independent living. The advantage is that Shirley has five or six hours of care calls a week. The care staff are on site and they are available 24/7 so if there is a problem, we can call them. For example, Shirley had a backwards fall onto the floor last year. I pressed the call alarm and a carer was very soon with us. She stayed until the paramedics arrived. Shirley had hospital treatment for a non-MS issue. It was serious neurosurgery, but we’ve come through this together, ready for the next MS challenge.
Shirley will have days where she can barely move a limb and have pain.
MS can be incredibly varied. A year ago she had trigeminal neuralgia which on its own is the most horrible pain. She's also had changes in medication which resulted in terrible side effects. Some days you wonder if you’re going to get the same symptoms two days running. Shirley is a very bright, intelligent lady. She was a school teacher, robbed of a career by MS when she was only 41. The cognitive problems that MS causes are so far reaching that you can't pin it down to any one thing in particular. You've got to have a good relationship to start off with, you've got to be extremely close to each other, because that’s what generates the care. Anybody in this situation has to understand, that as time goes on the carer will be doing more and more. They may not always feel able to, because it is difficult. That's not to say I don't want to do it, because I do, but there are times when it’s difficult. I accept it though, because that's the nature of the beast. The carers that we have are very good though and provide a break for me now and then.
Despite all that MS throws at us, Shirley is just great to be with.
As I said at the beginning, we hit it off straight away. The very first time that we met we just knew that it was right and that doesn't often happen. Relationships normally take a while to develop before you actually think yeah this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. It wasn't like that with us, it was pretty much straight away. We went out for a meal on the first night and it was just involuntary. I got up to go to the gents, walked away from the table, gave her a kiss on the top of the head and said "Won’t be long". We’re not just a married couple, we're lovers, we're friends, we're soul mates and we're mates. It's as simple as that. Yes, we have ups and downs, of course we do. The couple who never had any, never lived, but it gets dealt with and we’ve got a really good relationship. Whatever MS deals us in the future, we will tackle it together.
