Dating can often feel like a minefield. Throw in Covid-19 and multiple sclerosis and many people would be forgiven for not getting involved. Dearbhla Crosse discusses her surprise feelings of empowerment from allowing herself to be vulnerable.
A conversation with my grandfather last April, asking me when I was getting married, haunted me as I drove back to Dublin after four months of quarantining in rural Cork. His rendition of the wedding march ringing in my head, spurred me to reconsider entering the realm of online dating. Like most singletons, my dating life took a hit with Covid. Plus, a diagnosis of MS in 2019 meant I’d made the decision to remove myself from the dating world while I focused on juggling my various health issues. In hindsight had I known we were about to enter a global contagion; I may not have done so. Telling a potential suitor you have MS means never being able to untell them. Yet, at a time when Covid is the ‘kiss of death’ for at-risk singletons, you inevitably have to reveal intimate details about yourself you'd never have disclosed pre-first date. Like many living with MS, I have to be cautious. My medication is an immunosuppressant, which compromises my ability to fight off infections. Therefore, attitudes to COVID-19 safety form the basis of any dating prospects.
Dating for me means socially distanced walks in between doctors appointments. It has meant not really knowing how to move beyond date two or three and assessing my date's risk factors from work environments to common sense. I opted to tell my dates I was in the 'at-risk' category fairly early on to gauge their response. Initially, I worried about revealing my MS, but it has meant being more upfront from the start, which can be freeing. Since young people with underlying health conditions have been at the forefront of the national discourse, it didn't feel as daunting. Covid courtships are predictably harder with a chronic illness. Dating can be utterly exhausting, especially when all you do is walk for miles. The frosty weather has also meant layering up like Pingu the Penguin, which admittedly isn't the most enticing look for a first date. I found myself judging my dates by their use of hand sanitizer and mask compliance; something I never thought would factor into decisions when choosing a future partner. I decided that I probably couldn't date anyone with flatmates because their bubbles were constantly shifting. It's a strange time for trust and it brings up questions about other people's value systems.
Explaining the hidden underlying factors of an invisible illness, as MS so often is, can be challenging and frequently misunderstood. Those of us living with MS have learned to make the most of the good periods, which can mean people presume we are absolutely fine. It can be hard to explain to those you're dating that you woke up chronically fatigued after ten hours sleep or that your hand is twitching because you have overdone it. It can make for uncomfortable conversations, but ultimately the person I am with will have to curtail their life somewhat for me while Covid looms.
Perhaps having to disclose my MS during this time has forced an honesty that wasn’t there initially. I was overwhelmed by how open the men I met were and I have made some lovely friends because of distanced dates. Most people have a loved one they want to protect, whether it’s their granny or a friend like me. I think it has made people more empathetic, as well as more conscious of health and hygiene, thankfully. So, to anyone who is worried about putting themselves out there, you would be surprised by how receptive people are. There is a bravery in being vulnerable and it can be incredibly empowering.