How mindfulness has helped me to be kinder to myself

Studies have shown that practicing mindfulness can have benefits for people with MS, helping with symptoms like pain, stress, anxiety and depression, as well as general quality of life. Here, Helen Petley, writes about her experiences of mindfulness, how it's helped her to be kinder to herself and the new group she's set up to help others with MS practice mindfulness during the Covid-19 pandemic.  

I realised there hasn’t been one defining moment when Mindfulness became part of my life.  We are all, Mindful at times, whether we label it so, whether we bring it into awareness, whether we call it meditation, noticing, being present or whatever. I first became fully aware of the benefits of being present in any given moment and describing it as mindfulness over two decades ago. Although, I then considered it as meditation, to me they are one in the same, it was at a time when my son was going through the diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder, I was lonely, lost amongst other mainstream mums, and struggling.  My son’s mental health was suffering, he stayed home for a year whilst a suitable school was found.  Around this time my daughter was born, my son was ten. She was the cherry on the cake for my family. My boys loved her but Autism brings a lot of stress. I had two blocks of respite a week when I would attend Yoga and Meditation. I started snatching time to practice at home, the ability to just stop and focus, amongst all the angst, and chitter chatter in my mind.

Little did I know the next bombshell of MS was just around the corner, these rescue breathes, were going to come in very handy.  By planting my feet, like a solid Oak Tree, and gently focusing on something, maybe a bird in the garden, anything that is calming, and breathing in deeply into the diaphragm, with one hand on your stomach, you feel it rise, hold for a second then breath out through the mouth and repeat 5 times. It is very calming.  I still use this now, as my go to, when pain is bad, or I’m feeling overly anxious

I noticed my colour vision had changed, one eye was dull. I couldn’t hold the baby, I was weak, dizzy, I couldn’t keep my head up.  It kept coming in waves. It was a virus, it was stress, then eight weeks later, my own GP, was interested in the visual problems and sent me straight to ophthalmology. I was told it was stress, my GP, later told me, he suspected MS, sent me to a neurologist, I went privately as we had the resources, the NHS wait was at least 6 months.

Diagnosis brought denial, it made no sense, I could run, be it into the left side, like a wonky trolley.  The consultant gave me a 70% chance of being secondary progressive in five years. This was in 2000, there were no treatments really.  My scan was pretty bad, there was old damage, I had ignored things, considered myself a hypochondriac, things had come and gone. I held on to the 30% part. 

The years have been up and down, I worked until 2008. By then it had all got too much, raising children, fatigue, and not being so kind to myself, a habit I had yo-yoed with. I could still sit with nature, find my peace, but I had realised I hadn’t come to terms or accepted my MS. When people commented, you look fine, it can’t be that bad, I sort of believed them.  There was no time for me and acknowledging some of the hidden symptoms going on. I sought help from a health psychologist, she helped me turn things around. It took some time, but we got there, I picked up my meditation and trained to teach.  

Then I had the opportunity to train as a counsellor myself, I earnt my degree. I had learnt, how to manage my own resources, I paced myself, I became kinder to myself.  This developed through, developing space in my mind.  Less impatience with myself, accepting of the changes from my MS, using aids, first the stick, then the scooter, the chair on challenging days. Best of all my Mountain Trike, and I name them all, personalise them and not viewing them as disabled equipment but enabling devices. I worked voluntary for, several large organisations, including counselling people with MS. I have stopped now, as my MS is so unpredictable, and migraines are a feature too.

I don’t fight it anymore, or compare myself, thinking, “I’m not worthy of help as others are worse off”, I listen to my body, give myself space and time. I also, for the first time in decades, found I quite like myself too. This I believe, is what, regular Mindfulness practice can bring.  During the pandemic I set up the following Facebook Group with weekly meditations, Mindfulness exercises, you can join, attend live, or listen in afterwards. I may after the pandemic continue one for people with MS, if you are interested please contact me.